Felicia, I am disappoint

To promote her new Youtube channel Geek and Sundry, Felicia Day and the members of webseries The Guild have released their third music video. I watched it, danced along to it, laughed and bought it on iTunes. But then something weird happened.  The more I listened to it, the less I liked it. Nothing to do with the video itself (which admittedly isn't as funny as the first two) or the music (which is the third style they have explored).

The idea that geek is 'in' and that we've been flooded with a volley of faux-gamers in hipster glasses is not new. Neither is the backlash against these perceived intruders by the 'real geeks'. The proliferation of geek litmus tests and evaluations of newcomers has been around for a while now, as a way of protecting the subculture, which has been a safe haven for underdogs and rejects for so long.

What I take objection to is the way geeks are clutching at the umbrella of 'cool' as it floats on by. You see, I dislike the word 'cool'. A lot. The way this song, sung by a group of geek icons, has embraced the word is what's left me a little disappointed and sad.

 At school I was a nerd. I didn't like sports or fashion, I liked reading and learning. I had glasses and braces and no clue what to do around boys. I was bullied, teased and ridiculed by the other kids in my classes. I was not in any way 'cool'. So what I began to associate with the word 'cool' was obviously not very positive, and what I began to associate with myself and the things that I liked was decidedly 'un-cool'.

It took me years, but I embraced that. I embraced myself and the things that I liked and the things that I was good at. And suddenly I became glad I hadn't tried harder to be 'cool'. By staying true to myself, my passions and quirks and by not bullying or mocking other 'uncool' kids, I had become a better and happier person. To me, 'cool' is about the pressure to conform to an ever-changing ideal. To be constantly censoring yourself lest something 'un-cool' slip. It's a state of constant judgement of yourself and those around you. It sounds exhausting!

As much as I'm glad that reading, gaming, fandom and other 'nerdy', geekish pursuits have become more socially acceptable - even with the added difficulties of sorting through those who are genuine and those who are faking it - my issue with 'cool' is that there's always an 'un-cool'. Competition. Judgement. Exclusion. Do those things sound good to you? Do those things sound like they belong in a community that was a home for the socially ostracised? Don't get me wrong, I'm not so stuck to my high horse that I wouldn't love to make those bullies understand exactly what they did and how they hurt me back at school. But jumping onto the bandwagon of cool is not the way to do it. Not only will there be a backlash once geek is no longer 'chic', but many people will be left with those horrible cool-people attributes of scoffing and back-stabbing and geekier-than-thou-ing. Who wants that? I don't think that being 'cool' is worth the time and energy that is required to maintain. Not worth damaging other people's emotional well-being and not worth the confusion it causes about your own identity. 'Cool' is just a collection of habits and values that changes so often.

To be clear, I'm not actually disappointed in Felicia Day. She is an absolute inspiration to me. She pursued her dreams to act even after being told she was not "beautiful enough" for Hollywood (which is total BS, I'm glad she's not fake-beautiful like most Hollywood actresses) . She's an amazingly talented writer, a genuinely wonderful person, and she understands what it's like to be socially outcast and misunderstood. She's made friends and connections in the entertainment industry and pioneered the webseries movement, changing the landscape of entertainment and social media alike. Lonelygirl15, eat your heart out, Felicia is real and she's here to stay.

In one of the many panels (this train of thought starts around 8:30 if you're not keen on watching the whole panel) on The Guild, Felicia talked about how internet friendships allow you to bypass the visual trappings of society to make friends with people as intellectuals and personalities - to make connections you might have missed in real life. That's reflected in the storyline and characters of The Guild and is one of my other favourite things about the geek community - overcoming social boundaries. After all that hard work, I hate to see 'coolness' becoming a preoccupation for Felicia. That is the system that created social inequality, why would we want to perpetrate it?! Why are we so eager to become the people that tormented us for so long - who gave us baggage many will carry for years to come (see this interview with Chris Colfer about being bullied at school. I remember the names of everyone who bullied me, too).

I have a proposition. How about we stop worrying about being 'cool' and focus on the things that make us happy? On learning new things and being better people, better friends, better geeks? Let's celebrate what we have in common AND what makes us different. I don't want to be cool. I want to be me, whether or not I'm wearing my Dr. Horrible t-shirt.

This is not what I ordered.

DISCLAIMER: I bought these comic books with my own money and I am entitled to have my own opinion about them. These are casual diagnoses based on my reading anywhere from one to ten issues. I have neither the funds nor the patience to wait very long to see if a series 'gets better', and as a consumer I believe in excercising my right not to put money into products I view as substandard in meeting my needs.

How hard is it to find a comic book which features:
1) Strong female protagonists or at least main characters, who are:
2) Not scantily clad.
3) Not the main character's love interest.
4) Actually has some women on the creative team.


Apparently it's this hard:

Danger Girl

• Title character is sexually harassed by the villain.
• Gets the butt of her jeans ripped off halfway through the comic.
• No women on the creative team.

Side Chicks

• One character hit on by 'client'.
• Other character hit on by random guy in the street.
• Skintight, cleavage-y costume for one, other one gets...
• Shredded shirt.
• No women on the creative team.

Heroes for Hire

• I actually couldn't tell you what happened in the first issue of this comic, it was so badly-written and the layout was so horrible, I couldn't even follow the action. They tried to introduce way too many characters. All I really took away from this was yet another few exoticised, scantily clad female superheroes and yet another comic book with no female prescence on the creative team.

These are just series I've read myself. The failure of mainstream 'women marketed' comic series is pretty legendary. Marvel Divas put most potential female customers off by sheer force of its dumb title alone. The failure of X-Women is pretty much legendary on the internet (yeah let's get a guy who draws EROTICA for a living to draw the superheroines in our marketed-for-women series!)


Here are some series that meet some of my criteria, but still need work before I'd call them truly egalitarian:

Artifacts (my review of #0-2 here)

• Genuinely strong female protagonist, who is driven by love of her daughter who is kidnapped in the first issue so that's NOT a spoiler. But she doesn't completely fall apart when this happens, which is great since she's a cop.
• However when she's kitted out with her superpowers, it becomes a skin-tight suit deal which her boobs bulge out of. 
• This comic features Aphrodite IV, a kickass cyborg with green hair. And do you know what's halfway through the comic book? A PANTY SHOT OF THE CYBORG. Why?! Just why?!
• As far as I can tell, no women on the creative team.
• Apart from those things, this is a pretty good comic series with a really solid mythology background.

Zatana

• She walks around in a leotard and fishnets.
• However, they do have a female artist on the team.

Executive Assistant: Iris (my review here)

• Love the premise.
• Hate her outfits.
• No women on the creative team.
• Having only read the first issue I'm still skeptical about this one - it could either be great or horrible. I'm also skeptical to learn that Aspen are releasing a bunch of other series along this line, featuring a bunch of different assassins with different flower names. I saw the promo images and LOVE SO MUCH that each woman is a different ethnicity, so I'm definitley willing to give them a go when they're finally out.

Suicide Girls

• Strong, diverse all-female line-up.
• Looks to have women on the creative team.
• Rather cliche storyline and dialogue.
• Did not like the nude pin-ups in the back of the comic book. Especially since some of them weren't even drawn. WTF? I get that this may be an important facet of the Suicide Girls movement, but it honestly put me off buying issue #2.

So I don't feel like selling off all my comics and going back to novels for good, here are a few series which, although they don't meet all 4 points, give me real hope that one day the comic book industry will finally grow the fuck up, stop looking at comic books as their precious little boys' club and become more inclusive. These are the ones I will be continuing to spend my money on.

Kill Shakespeare (my review of #1 here)
This comic has an all-male team, but I love what they've done with the character of Juliet. She is a strong, capable female who sticks to her guns and doesn't take crap from anybody. However she's not just a dude with tits - she still reads as a woman, without the need for revealing clothing. Super props to these guys for creating a solid female character.


Chew (my review of Vol. 1 here)
The main female character in this series is not very present, and she is the main character's love interest, and it's an all-male creative team, BUT... she's a really awesome character who isn't defined by Tony's love or even interest. She's an interesting, complex character in her own right and I'd really love to see more of her in the series (keep in mind I'm way behind in this one!) 

Changing Ways (my review here)
Justin Randall gave himself two female characters that couldn't be easily sexualised - one was a heavily pregnant woman and the other is a young girl. However, both of these characters had distinct personalities and were both beautifully strong. Even heavily pregnant, this woman was kick-ass. Literally! I can't wait to see how Jesse turns out in the sequel. I have a feeling she's got her momma's strength.


Mystery Society
Ok, so this breaks one of my cardinal rules - the main female character is actually married to the main male one, but then again, I'm up to issue #4 and so far there are three more main female characters. Oh, and a robot. However, the art (which I really like, by the by) is done by a lady. So the main female character wears actual clothes and looks like an actual real female person! I love the relationship between the husband and wife in this series - it's evident that their marriage, as well as their crime-fighting awesomeness, is a team effort where they're both as valuable as each other. No female sidekicks or, conversely, henpecked husband jokes here.

Ruse (my review here)
The main female character is also the narrator for this comic. She is stubborn and witty, and keenly aware of the limitations that her Victorian society and her hellish partner, the "world's greatest detective" place upon her. I freaking love the tagline of this comic, and it has a female assistant editor (yay!). The fact that it's set in the Victoria era means there realistically can't be too much T&A, which is really, really, oh my god so nice.




Series I have yet to try:
Lady Mechanika
Velocity
Gotham City Sirens
Morning Glories
Tank Girl
Madame Xanadu
I Kill Giants




It just makes me so angry and frustrated that I can't read a fucking comic book without being forced to overlook unrealistically proportioned, scantily-clad female characters who are 1-D personality wise at best. How can I identify with that? How can I enjoy reading and looking at that? I'm not completely opposed to a little T&A in the occasional comic. BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE IN EVERY SINGLE ONE. And what the fuck is it doing in the comics which are supposedly for women? What planet are Marvel and DC living on, that they think every woman wants to be reading about women with giant breasts whose clothes fall off every five seconds and jghoirieuhwenjrfpsodjfcpsidhfp3wu579w87ruisdkcfbhqwas';KL:A:qy2

*headdesks repeatedly*

Sorry.


If you can reccommend any comics to me that meet any of my criteria, pleeeease oh please do. If you disagree with any of my assessments then please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

An open letter to all indie sellers who aren't GlitterSniffer Cosmetics

I was visiting the Glittersniffer Complaints Facebook page today when an exchange unfolded that had me almost literally headdesking. I'm posting it in sections, because my laptop monitor is teeny weeny and the relevant comments were a bit lower down.

It went on, and is probably still going, but I honestly didn't want to read any more. It has become infinitely clear to me that a lot of people don't actually care what goes into the things that they buy, use or even eat. Apparently, customer service is also a negligible part of buying, too!

I don't know about you, but I like to know a bit about companies that I buy from, especially online. I want to make sure that not only am I getting quality product, but that I am supporting good business practices. I dislike the idea of A) throwing my money away, or B) enabling somebody to continue ripping people off, lying to and harming people. Even if I've never had a bad reaction to a seller's products, or had bad CS, or a 'missing' parcel... I want to know about it. I want to ensure I'm encouraging good business practising with my spending habits - the only really effective way to do so, in some cases. Ignoring other people's bad experiences is short-sighted, and in my opinion, incredibly selfish.

In light of this, I wanted to write an open letter of gratitude to all of the honest, genuine, hard-working indie companies out there - more than I could name in this post, as I haven't tried them all yet.

Dear companies:

Thankyou for observing FDA regulations, for always being upfront about your ingredients and giving options to those people who are allergic to common ingredients like talc and bismuth, or those who don't want to use beeswax and carmine.

Thankyou for knowing WHAT is in your products and WHY. Thankyou for all your research and experiments and hard work in making the best and most unique products you can.

Thankyou for wearing gloves, sterilising your instruments and packaging your products carefully.

Thankyou for shipping things on time, and for updating ALL your customers when you can't because of extenuating circumstances.

Thankyou for listening to your customers - combining orders, making new products, altering old ones, making custom listings, giving advice, changing the way you do samples.

Thankyou for taking criticism gracefully and using it to help improve your company, rather than taking it personally and reacting badly.

Thankyou for combining your creativity, vision and skill with sound business sense, ethical practises and a solid understanding of what makes good customer service.

Thankyou for replying to emails, convos, tweets and making us feel like we are important to you.

Thankyou, above all, for being trustworthy.

*    *    *

I'm also going to plug the Sparkledex again. Blogging  has become a vital part of the online community - no matter whether you're buying make-up, bath stuff, embroidered pencil cases or silicone phone cases. You're almost always stepping into the unknown, buying a product you've never seen in person from a complete stranger over the internet. Blogging helps take away that uncertainty, and give you a better idea of what you're getting yourself into. Unfortunately, most bloggers don't have unlimited income or time with which to blaze the trail constantly.

The Sparkledex will allow us to pool our resources when it comes to the indie MMU and B&B sphere. We can collect material, pointing the way to places where potential customers can get the information they need, to make a decision they are happy with. If you've recently reviewed a company, go add your review to their page! Or if they don't yet have a page, make one. Many hands make light work, and a full Sparkledex is a happy and useful Sparkledex (many thanks to VijiiS who edits like a boss and has made all the current Company pages look amazing).

Also I want to shout out to Frances, who runs the GlitterSniffer Complaints blog and Facebook. She is a patient, determined soul who really stood up for all of the GlitterSniffer casualties. It look like (I have my fingers very tightly crossed) that there's some real progress going on there, and that there might at least be some resolution for those who got caught in the mess, if not restitution for everyone who was affected. Please know that for every person still blindly following Lela and supporting GlitterSniffer, there are dozens more who support and sympathise with you.

If you've ever bought makeup online

You need to read this, NOW.

If you haven't heard about the Glittersniffer Cosmetics scandal, thank your lucky stars.

This is why independant beauty bloggers are important. Wasting your money on repackaged products is one thing, being scammed into buying UNSAFE products, having money stolen and being suckered into supporting a lying, amoral seller with NO business ethics is another. Beauty bloggers like Grey, Ana, and Phyrra put their wallets and now apparently their skins on the line to make sure that when we click that 'buy' button, we know what we're getting into.

I hope that anybody who has ever read a review of mine - be it of cosmetics, a comic or anything else - knows that while I don't keep up with current releases, or do hours of research into ingredients and FDA regulations like Ana does, that I will ALWAYS be honest in my reviews.

I ain't doing this for kicks

Lately it seems I've written about a million cover letters. I won't deny the practise has been helpful, but lordy is it depressing! For every application I send, for every half an hour I spend agonising over word choices, I am getting nothing back.

I've heard a lot of people say that Australian employers are by far the worst for getting back to you. I've never tried to get work outside of Aus, but I'm inclined to agree with that assessment. If you don't want to hire me, FINE! Just bloody well let me know! I'm not going to sneak in during the middle of the night and vandalise your shop!

It especially gets me when I drop my resume off at a shop in the city that I walk past often. No emails, no phone calls, and nearly a month later they still have their 'staff wanted' sign up. Doesn't do much for a girl's self-esteem. I've heard back from maybe one out of four places I applied to, and it's all been "Blah blah thankyou for your application we found someone with more experience".

Picture snitched from here.

I pretty much am doing the assistant manager's position at my current job, because we don't HAVE one, and one of the 'co-managers' has been away. I've done rosters, customer orders, banking, returns, opened and closed the store, and tracked the budget. I'm not getting paid extra for it but I don't care. It needs to be done and I'm here pretty often so I just do it. However when I get back to uni, because of our weird shop schedule and overabundance of casuals, I'll be getting 6 hours of work a week. Yup. SIX. HOURS.

Hence why I am looking for another position. New or second job, I'm not fussy. Except that I've been looking since about November.

I have a lot more availability this semester than I did last semester. A lot of places are looking for full-time staff but even more are looking for casuals. I have a ton of experience in a wide range of fields. I learn fast, I'm easy to work with and I'm great with customers. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong! I want to be able to save money while I'm at uni, not just scrape by.

Writing endless cover letters and worrying about money isn't fun. It's sapping my creative energy, hence why I haven't been blogging much. I haven't done any writing for myself lately either, despite having some really great feedback from a magazine.

I've got about a week and a half til I go back to uni, so I'm applying for things left right and center, and trying to muster inspiration to get things started and finished before I get bogged down with studying and assignments. I have been thinking about (thinking about thinking about :P) opening a jewellery shop on Etsy - simple and slightly geeky items, but I don't know if I have the stamina for such an extended creative project! I also don't have the equipment or expertise to do anything beyond beading. I know that some of the stuff I have come up with is really quite pretty and marketable:

The first and last necklaces also have matching earrings. Some of the pieces I can fairly easily re-create... but some of them are really 'one-off' designs that were made out of vintage beads or just took really long to make. I've been working on a gorgeous tiered safety-pin necklace for months now, it keeps falling apart on me! I'm thinking it may need to be soldered. Clamping them works fine for the earrings as there's no strain on them, but the weight of what I want to make usually ends up being too much for a necklace and it just falls to pieces on the third or fourth wear.

I also don't want to just make random junk-y things, I wanted it all to be 'discreet geek': inspired by books, games and TV shows. I don't know if I'm going to be able to come up with enough designs to merit a whole shop... I get inspired by beads, by jewellery and by plain ol' necessity. Most of the pieces in those photos were created because I didn't have a piece with a certain colour scheme, I acquired a piece of jewellery that didn't quite work for me so I altered it, or I saw the beads and just HAD to make something with them. This inspiration process can take anywhere from a day to years.

 I have had these beautiful blue marbled beads for months and still haven't been able to decide what to do with them.

I guess I'm still in a state of indecision, where I'm waiting for things to happen (i.e, uni to start so I know how busy I'll be, and to hear back from some jobs) so that I can figure out what my next move should be.

Poor Asimov, he should've used capital letters

Scifi and fantasty fans will probably be quite familiar with Asimov's famous quote: "Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinder critics and philosophers of today - but the core of science fiction, its essence has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all." For those of you who have followed Stargate SG-1, you'll probably remember when the awesome parody character Grell expanded on this, saying "Science fiction is an existential metaphor, which allows us to tell stories about the human condition."

I definitely agree with this statement, more so when it comes to books of both science fiction and fantasy (there is a BIG difference between the two genres, and I will probably do a post about that soon). TV shows and movies are arguably more constrained by expectations of profit, and the rigidly conventional gender standards of those 'in the industry' who perpetuate the notion that Sex Sells and More Explosions Make A Better Trailer.

Science fiction and fantasy both work off the premise of creating a different world, with different rules, customs, cultures and laws. So why do the fundamental aspects of those cultures so closely reflect our own, when it comes to gender roles and expectations?

The reason I ask this, is that 'the impossible' is the core of the plot, the story and the civilisation of these books. You have people who can fly (Sarah Douglass), people who can live for thousands of years (David Eddings), sentient robots (Isaac Asimov), animals who talk and plot and come up with political slogans (George Orwell). So, when creating these fabulous and imaginitive worlds, why do we have the same damaging social tropes that plague our own society here on earth? Why, if people are shooting lasers, putting chips into their brains and casting spells to speak all languages, do Boys Not Cry and Women Belong In the Kitchen?

I have seen inspiring examples of authors who choose to step outside the gender bounds and let their characters be characters, who turn society as we know it on its head in new and fascinating ways. I have seen examples of authors who create a new and beautiful society... and then have all the men go off to war, without even giving a thought to the fact that they are not writing about humans, they may have given medieval technology to their races, but that doesn't mean that they have to have medieval-level understanding and expectations of gender, either.

An example of the former (an author who rearranged gender priorities) which is a personal favourite of mine, and thus not necessarily THE best example, would be David Eddings, in his series The Belgariad. In these books (and the follow-up series The Mallorean, and the prequels Belgarath the Sorcerer, Polgara the Sorceress), not only does Eddings create a matriarchal society (which is ironically destroyed by another society's desire for gold), but he has the women in his story actively push and mutate gender boundaries at will. One of the most powerful sorcerers in the series is a woman. During rough political times, the queens and other female characters step up and firmly tell the male ones that they will be part of the decision-making process even if it makes the men choke on their beer. Here, instead of forcing a wildly different society down our throats, Eddings uses the characters to point out the fallacies in our unbalanced thinking.

An example of the latter - an author who wrote a wonderful world, with a good plot, and then without explanation very blatantly reverted to traditional earthy gender roles: Christian Tamblyn, in his first novel, The Dragon of the Second Moon. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. As a first published work, it is of a fantastic standard. And yet, we have men turning away their faces because crying isn't manly. We have it pointed out that only one woman is going to war. Yes, there is a queen in the series, but she really doesn't do a lot. One of the main female characters is so busy being the Understanding Love Interest that she doesn't have time to do anything else (except get pregnant. Not that I am saying motherhood isn't a worthwhile pursuit. If my mother hadn't decided to have children I wouldn't be here).

I get that gender expectations are so ingrained into some people, that they don't think to question it. I sometimes feel that I am hyper-aware of the inequalities, because they bother me so much and other people just seem to unquestioningly accept it, even when it's damaging them. It also bothers me that people fall back on "oh, it's just biology", when science is, at its core, theoretical. It is also a huge possibility that our belief in the 'scientific fact' of something which causes behaviour may lead us to socially and psychologically reinforce behaviours which aren't biologically pre-determined. If that sentance was confusing to you, let me give an example:
1) We are told that, scientifically, men are less capable of verbally expressing their emotions, because of thinner connections between their logical and emotional halves/parts of the brain (very basic explanation).
2) The media, our family and friends all tell us that "guys can't express their emotions well".
3) Men and boys are raised without being encouraged to express their emotions verbally because "it's not what guys do".
4) Consequently, men are raised with a much more shallow understanding of how to explain their feelings. This may, in fact, be mostly biology, but it's reinforced by societal expectations, and practise. Thus a scientific belief, which may in fact be false, or at least much less significant than we think, is compounded by outside factors.
5) This seemingly widespread epidemic of men who just don't know how to explain why, or even that they are upset, reinforces the scientific myth.

That is just one very general, un-researched example of what I call a 'gender myth' - or a possible one, anyway. There are research papers, academics, scientistic and intellectuals who have done far more research and used far bigger words than I, and I will not attempt to compete with them. My point is that science fiction and fantasy authors bend the laws of science, physics and reality. They do this extremely well, and we enjoy reading it, for escapism, if nothing else. Why do so many authors fall into the trap of perpetuating society's flaws, if they're writing so far outside the world that we know, anyway? I have only seen/read a handful of examples that play with or openly defy gender and sexual expectations. Some of them do this, sadly, to the eventual detriment of the series, especially in the case of TV series. I have read one book series which attempted to create a martiarchal society, which had some of the same issues of abuse of power for personal gain. The series ended up being not only confusing, because of a really unclear chronology which eventuated in plot holes, but I was unable to even concentrate on this (until my boyfriend pointed it out) because of the horriffic amount of physical, emotional and sexual abuse that went on in the society. Women used their political power to sexually abuse men, who in turn took their frustrations out on women and even children of lower class. What I hoped would be a brave, thought-provoking look at a society where the power was in the hands of the women, and an attempt to portray how power was changed by a more feminine-driven value system, ended up being a confusing story filled with rather graphic sexual exploitation of children!

The only TV series and movies I have seen which toys with gender roles in a perceptible way would have to be the works of Joss Whedon. I will make a quick breakdown of them, and apologise if it's confusing to those of you unfamiliar with these series:
1) Buffy the Vampire Slayer gave immense physical power to the female lead character (Buffy). The two main male characters were put in nurturing, emotionally supporting roles. One of the main male characters, Xander, accomplishes great things, turning the plot in big ways, through his emotional contribution to the lives of the other characters. His physical prowess is negligible, and his personality is not domineering in a 'traditional' masculine sense at all, but he is still a valuable and complex character whose humanity is prized by other characters. It is his ability to engage with his emotions that actually brings back Willow from the brink of destroying the world with her immensely powerful magic abilities, which she abused in a state of raw grief (that was a beautiful episode, by the way).

2) Firefly showcased two female characters in usually masculine pursuits - one career army, a strong and sometimes cold fighter, the other a talented and hard-working engineer. Zoe, the ex-military woman, was married to a joking, and laid-back pilot. He was comfortable with her 'commanding' personality, and did not object to her protecting him and the rest of the crew physically because that was where her skills were, and his frankly weren't. (A running joke in the series is that his contribution to the war was to do shadow puppets). The engineer, Kaylee, spends a good deal of time romantically pursuing a young doctor, who has given up both career and fortune to rescue his talented sister from a sadistic government program - a clearly nurturing and emotional response he doggedly pursues throughout the series. Simon and Wash were two characters who were very family-focused, which anchored them and made them much more rounded characters than the hard-nosed, wandering Mal and Jayne.

3) Dollhouse's contributions to this trend were sadly overshadowed by the complicated and very 'grey area' sexual politics it explored. In brief, it features women posessing political and physical power (Adelle), in addition to men actually having romantic emotions, being (for the most part) asexual (Topher; until the end of season 2), and putting personal power aside for matters of social and legal justice. An awful lot of male characters are made into villains for choosing to do 'anything' to gain personal or political power; this series balanced that out by having three male characters (Topher, Paul and Boyd)) jeapordise their own prospects because they saw a wrong and did all they could to correct it. Meanwhile, one of the female leads (Adelle) is  betraying everyone at every turn to keep her position as CEO!

Science fiction and fantasy have the option of creating their worlds from scratch. The sky is no longer the limit. Yet, no matter what technology authors invent, no matter how amazing and innovative special effects makeup and CG are at creating new aliens... we seem stuck in this rut of perpetuating the narrow gender expectations of the so-called liberated, equal-opportunity Western world. It baffles and saddens me. I want more male empaths, I want more female warriors (who can be sexual without being a Xena-esque manifestation of male heterosexual fantasy), I want more societies that break these nonsensical gender boundaries that we have to deal with every single day. I want more fantastic in my fantasy.

Dear Dynamite Entertainment

Hi. I wrote a review about your Vala comics a while back. Then after your Daniel Jackson series came out, I sent you an email about the cover art. I wanted to know how you'd managed to find the SINGLE most talented cover artist, talented in that he managed to make Michael Shanks:

Look like this:

I was fascinated, in the way that you can't tear your eyes away from roadkill because it's so horrendous. I asked if you could please, please find someone who knew how gorgeous the man was and actually, well, draw him rather than... that.

Today I went to my local comic book store. I saw #2 of the Daniel Jackson series and grabbed it. I didn't actually look at it until I got home (the new Dr. Horrible anthology took preference).

YOU WENT WITH THE SAME ARTIST.

I must congratulate him. Daniel Jackson does not look like an unfortunatley butch woman on this cover. However instead of the blue-eyed, dark-haired geek with a gun that Stargate fans came to know and love over the 10 seasons of Stargate SG-1:

He is now, apparently, blond, and with a rectangular head:

So... I'm not sure I can continue buying these issues. At least without tearing the covers off and burning them.

Sincerely,
Jade.

Nude nail polish

On my quest for the perfect nude polish to wear to work, I've come accross some downright duds. I'm looking for something opaque, and not too pink. Unfortunately, a lot of nudes are intended to be used for French manicures, so they're really sheer. A lot of the opaque ones are decidedly pink as they're meant for decidedly Caucasian skin. I have an olive skintone, and I'm not really a pink fan. I thought I'd shove all the the 'nail polish disappointments' into one post to save time. There's ONE good one at the end.

Culprit 1: Australis Nail Colour in Satine.
Now this is the same company (Creative Brands) that owns Mode, so I had high hopes for these. I even liked the squat, tubular bottles.
Streak-free? Check. High shine? Check. Intense colour? Ummm.

This is two coats, so... yeah, not really. Hi, nail line! It has great shine, nice consistency and pretty quick drying time - it's just waaaaay sheer. It'd make a great French, and I wouldn't be averse to trying out sone of their other colours if they have the same smooth formula and finish.

Culprit 2: Cutex Quick 'N Go in Ice Coffee Rush
This polish claims to have '1 stroke, 1 coat application', and to either apply or dry in 45 seconds. Not sure which. The wide, flat brush was remarkably good after I got used to it, and it did dry lightning fast. However, one coat:

Sheeeeer. And not a nice sheer like Satine, this made my nails look stained. So by the time I layered it up to three coats:

IT WENT ORANGE. Not orange the-colour-of-the-fruit, orange. It looked like I'd put fake tan on my nails. Maybe it's just my skin tone, but that did NOT look like the pretty peachy-beige in the bottle.Also, you can still see my nail line. If it wasn't so utterly off-putting, I'd have tried other colours, because the drying time was really amazing.

Culprit 3: Mode Cosmetics in Ooh Baby.
This is a pretty, pale pink which I thought would do for those days when I don't mind being a bit girly. However, I had the exact same problem with this polish as I had with all the others. You have to layer this a LOT to get anything but a sheer, streaky mess. They have a white creme, So Parisian, which has the same application issues. This is three coats, and even though I was really careful, there's still bald patches and visible nail line.

Culprit 4: Revitanail in Barely There.
This I did not buy, thank goodness. Revitanail is expensive. I snitched this off my mother because my nails were splitting and breaking all over the place and it was driving me crazy. Well, this thin, streaky polish drove me just as crazy.

This is THREE coats. I did actually wear this for a while, in an effort to strengthen my nails, but I put a coat of Satine over the top of it to even out the colour before I left the house.

Culprit 5: Orly in Cosmic Kiss

Not technically a nude, but I thought the rainbow glitter might soften the starkness of the white. Yeah, totally not needed. I was really disappointed by this polish, as I've heard a lot of great things about Orly. It was completely sheer, the glitter went on really sparsely, despite the amount present in the bottle, and the glitter really stuck out when it dried. Needed a topcoat, but I couldn't be bothered wasting topcoat on how ergh it was. This is three coats here. I consider three my absolute limit; if a nail polish requires more than three coats in order to look good, I pretty much won't use it.

It's also a giant pain in the butt to remove.

Pleasant surprise: Natio Cosmetics in Brandy
Now, I have walked past Natio stands in chemists and pharmacies many a time, bypassing them entirely. For that I now apologise. This Australian-made, Australian-based company pleasantly surprised me. Resigned to another sheer bit of blah-ness, this $9.95 polish was not only the colour that the bottle delivered (take notes, Cutex) but BECAME OPAQUE. First coat was slightly less sheer than all the others, though quite streaky. Second coat: ahhh!

This stuff dries amazingly fast, as well. This still didn't stop me denting my right thumb and smudging my right index finger. It's not the polish's fault, though, I found out that a little company called The Hub Productions are bringing Christopher Judge and Corin Nemec (or, Teal'c and Jonas from Stargate SG-1 as some of you might know them) to Perth in two weeks. This revelation led me to call my boyfriend and squeak "Teal'c! Jonas! Perth!" over the phone to him a few times til I calmed down and was able to use important words like "in two weeks", "we have to go" and "I'm so stoked right now, this is amazing, I can't believe I didn't hear about this earlier, oops I smudged my wet nail polish."

This post took so long to do, becauseI don't really like swatching nail polish. I'm far too impatient! I will definitely keep it to one polish per post from now on. And yes, I will be blogging about the convention.

We're Not Tasmania!

Here is a very basic map of Australia:

Right the way over on the lonely left hand side of the country sits Perth, the capital of Western Australia, where I live.

The population of Perth is approximately 2.25 million. The population of Canberra, the capital city of Australia, has 352,200 inhabitants. Sydney, with a population of 4.50 million, is bigger than Melbourne at 3.9 million even though Melb tries to retain its title of Australian shopping capital. Sydney is 3,301 km from Perth.

Wellington, New Zealand is 2,229 km from Sydney, across the Tasman Sea. Bali, the cheapest and closest holiday destination for Australian tourists, is 4,623 km away.

Not quite NZ but not Bali, and yet somehow, when it comes to retail companies with multiple locations across Australia, Perth is treated like the black sheep of the family. Those kilometers open up a social and emotional chasm which results in Perth stores getting things late, last and in some cases not at all.

Perth's population and smaller tourist clientele equal much smaller sales potential than their eastern colleagues. To those who have lived and worked in the east all their life, these lower numbers are associated with lazy or unskilled staff rather than a geographically-induced difference in lifestyle. Head office staff (or 'corporate' as they're known in other circles) treat Perth - intentionally or not - as a mixed bag, a risk or even a necessary
evil! I understand that often it does not make financial sense to pour resources into a shop that isn't doing so well, but as I have so often lamented to co-workers: how are we supposed to sell stock we don't have, to customers who aren't there? In what way can we keep up to date and homogenise the store's look with display/merchandising props we don't have, for weeks after other stores get them? Short of running up and down the street attacking people with merchandise and fliers and screaming, "We're down there!" how do we get more people in our shops?

An annual visit, or over-the-phone conferences may make Sydney-siders feel as if they're doing their bit to help Perth stores feel more included in the retail family, but frankly, it isn't good enough. It won't give them a solid idea of what Perth stores deal with every day. Those in the food service industry, no matter where they are or what they're selling, will always have busy periods. Depending on your location, your target market, your product, and your advertising exposure, some stores only pick up around Christmas time! The Perth shopping spirit is a very lethargic and selective one. Those in power in head office need to understand and appreciate this, rather than blaming a lacklustre income on staff.

That being said, training should by no means be neglected just because a store is smaller and slower. If you want to uphold your standards, you need to give each and every employee the best preparation possible. And while you're at it, please stress customer service. Today, I bought a book which I'd had no intention of buying because the man in the counter was genuinely friendly, not only to me but to each and every customer who walked into the shop while I was there. Conversely, last week I swore off a certain retail outlet because I had been in there twice, and each time the staff did not smile or even make eye contact with me - when taking my money at the till! Training will either correct these bad habits, or hint which staff should have their hours cut down.

*gets off soap-box*

For the non-Aussies, there is a running joke that Tasmania isn't really a part of Australia, and the poor little islet is very often forgotten in political, social, economical... er, it's forgotten a lot. The title is meant to infer that, while Perth is far away and has a rather different culture to the rest of Australia, at least it's still not Tassie. Wink, wink.

Dear impatient sods

As of a few days ago, Aromaleigh is no longer shipping internationally, thanks to a huge number of people who have been filing Paypal disputes for no reason, causing a massive backlog of paperwork and losing AL tons of money.

To those who are responsible: I hope you're happy with yourselves. I just finished a huge trade, so I could get some samples to try before making my final order. Some of us can't afford to order a crapload of full sizes straight out.

Thanks for finding yet another way to ruin the sparkle.

How to: make sure nobody wants to read your blog

Nine steps to success!

1. Never ever capitalise the letter 'I'. Especially when you use it several times in a sentance. ("i went down to the shops and i found this awesome nail polish, i just had to have it!")

2. Never use spellcheck. Spell "definitely" as "defiantly".

3. Use lots of exclamation marks!!! That way people know you're enthusiasting about blogging!!! CAPITALS ARE GOOD TOO!!!

4. Whenever you comment on anybody else's blog, make sure you ask them to check out yours. I mean, how else are you going to get readers? By waiting for them to click on your name, which automatically becomes a hyperlink to your blog when you comment on other people's? Pshaw.

5. Leave rude/spam comments attached to your posts. It's sooo silly to delete them. If you leave them up, it makes it look like you totally aren't bothered. I mean, it's not like it gives off the impression that you never read your comments...

6. Use lots of chatspeak. Lol, it's the internet, everybody shortens things all the time, it's the in thing atm. Btw, using numbers is a little over the top, but it's up 2 u, cos u might be writign inahury! xD

7. All good blogs are written in America, so you don't need to clarify shop names, or state names at all. People in the U.K, Australia and other countries where they speak American all have the internet, but none of them blog, lol!!!!

8. Different coloured fonts make your blog stand out. Especially neon ones - and don't be fooled, a black background isn't necessary for using bright colours!

9. Don't categorise posts. Labels are so limiting. Think outside the box and leave ALL your posts uncategorised!


Readers and fellow bloggers, did I miss anything? Share your blogging pet peeves in the comments!!!!! :P

Letters from a lonely shop assistant

On Friday I had to work 9-7, and be by myself for 9-5. This is how I kept from going completely insane during the ridiculously slow day.

9.10am
Dear bank,
Why can't you open at 9am like every other profit-driven capitalist establishment, hmm?
From,
Dear god I hope I filled out the deposit slip correctly.

9.25am
Dear vacuum cleaner,
I appreciate the fact that your neck is adjustable. Your willingness to pull your cord back in when asked (politely, but firmly) makes me smile.
From,
There's always that one bit of lint, isn't there?

9.26am,
Dear scarf,
Stop being obnoxious.
From,
Too lazy to take off the scarf just to vacuum when I know I'll have to put it on again later because my neck gets cold.

9.51am,
Dear coffee,
I am very sorry I don't have access to a microwave. I'm sure you are too.
From,
Very conscious that the coffee place is breakfast-only and as such, closes at 2.30pm.

10.32am
Dear dust,
You really need to give it up. Glass doesn't feel the same way about you as you do for Glass. I am getting very tired of constantly having to shoo you away with a paper towel.
From,
Industrial glass cleaner makes pretty patterns when you spray it.

10.35am,
Dear counter,
I've never seen anybody wipe you down! Ever! How can you be so clean?!
From,
Cleaning as if I actually like it.

11.13am,
Dear chocolate.
Thanks for being you.
From,
Omnomnom dessert before lunch.

12.46pm,
To the woman who walked in just as I took a bite of my sandwich,
Wow.
From,
This is the lunch rush?!

12.55pm,
Dear 'customers',
When you go shopping, you BUY THINGS. Isn't that the reason you go 'shopping' - to 'shop'? Or have I been getting it completely wrong all this time?
From,
Envious and confused.

1.01pm,
Dear head office,
Somebody please e-mail me! It's only 3 o'clock over there, you should still be working!
From,
Desperately bored, and a little isolated too.

1.16pm,
Dear Melbourne store,
I know I said I was bored, but if you want us to send you something, please just email it through so I can take my time finding it!
From,
There are too many bags in this shop.

1.22pm,
Dear sandwich,
It's not you, it's me. Oh ok fine, it's totally you. Now if you would transform yourself into a plate of piping-hot duck rice, I'd be ecstatic.
From,
Chicken sandwiches are only appropriate for a lazy, so-late-it's-practically-lunchtime Saturday breakfast.

1.25pm,
Dear rain,
Go away.
From,
I didn't bring an umbrella today.

1.29,
Dear irony.
Yeah, I just sold an umbrella. So what?
From,
Stubborn but somewhat glad.

1.43pm,
To the couple standing IN the doorway,
Guys. Seriously. You have the entire street to stand in. Doorways are for WALKING THROUGH.
From,
Inconsiderate people piss me off.

2.01pm,
To the man obsessed with luggage,
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP CONFUSING ME BY ASKING ME TO COMPARE PRODUCTS WE DON'T HAVE IN THE SHOP.
From,
Can I go home now?

2.07pm,
Dear peanut butter and nutella sandwich,
You are so amazing.
From,
Seriously, try it! Especially if you like peanut M&Ms or Reese's anything.

2.19pm
Dear calculator,
What you have told me makes me feel slightly better. As much as I hate to perpetuate the capitalist mindset, selling things is good.
From,
Reluctantly relieved.

2.24pm,
Dear shop music,
You are making my eye twitch.
From,
Only four hours and thirty-six minutes to go...

3.01pm
To the couple who just left,
*Blink.*
From,
What the hell was that?!

3.40pm,
Dear vague old lady on the phone,
I'll laugh about you later.
From,
It's good you know what brand you want, but do you know how many STYLES they do?!

3.58pm,
Dear me,
Well done for timing taking out the rubbish with the exact moment it started raining again!
From,
That was sarcasm, by the way.

4.02pm,
To the last clean cup in the shop,
My precioussssssssss.
Love,
A shameless Nescafe Mocha addict.

4.20pm,
Dear insatiable materialistic lust,
I do NOT need to spend $270 on a belt because I like the buckle!
From,
My common sense and in-built thriftiness.

4.44pm
Dear head office,
Why don't we close at 5.30pm on Fridays?
From,
I wanna go home.

6.28pm,
Dear zzzzzzzzz...
ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzz

Readers and fellow bloggers, tell me your favourite and least favourite thing about where you work - or used to, if you have a funny anecdote to share.

G20 in Toronto - glad I wasn't there

This video was brought to my attention a little while ago. It shocked me, but as a media student, I was highly conscious of the fact that it had been obviously edited, and the small missing segments were vital pieces of information. I found this news report, which although even more edited (as news reports always are) provided me with the context of this situation.

It didn't make it any better.

I'm reading and hearing reports of police brutality, sexual assault, curtailing free journalism, illegal practises condoned by the Police Chief. Local AND global news media coverage has been limited to quick, general reports which bypass this tremendous and appalling human rights issue entirely. The fact that there had been vandalism - by a completely seperate group - the day before caused the police to come out en masse and treat peaceful protesters and bystanders with violence and disgusting disregard.

Nine hundred arrests, over 24 hours after any protester violence, performed upon a completely seperate group of people, some of whom hadn't even involved themselves with the protest at all. This is the personal account of someone who was with a Canadan friend of mine, who was sitting in a park when she was arrested and then detained, without food, for over 24 hours.

This is 2010. The U.S yearly defense budget alone would, if used properly, end world hunger. I'd like to think that all of us who are privelaged enough to live in first-world countries understand the issues of injustice, inequality, and unequal education that plague our world. As my boyfriend said to me this afternoon: "Those who care don't have the power to do anything. Those who are in power don't care. Thus it becomes, and still is, a vicious cycle."

More frivolous and entertaining post coming tomorrow, I just HAD to say something about this.

Why 'women in the kitchen' jokes aren't funny.

Welcome to the 1950's!
Dear men, 
Your 'success in' life is dependant on two things: how well you do at your mind-numbing, soul-crushing 9-5 job, and how many children you have.


Dear women,
Everybody knows you're not smart or strong enough to enter the workforce. But that's ok! As long as your house is clean, your children are well-dressed, you're always smiling and made-up, you'll be considered a good woman.

The 1950s had rigid gender roles. A man's life was gruelling and at times unfulfilling, to be sure, but that isn't the point of this post. All the ideas of 'women belong in the kitchen' come from the 50s. These ideas stem from a few main, socially accepted notions of that era:

• Women are not smart enough to enter the workforce.
• Women are not strong enough to enter the workforce.
• Women's only talents lie in cooking, cleaning, and raising children.
• A woman's sole satisfaction and accomplishments lie in how well she does the above, and how happy she makes her husband.
• Women's magazines in the 1950s encouraged women to "plan ahead even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time, for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs." To be "a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it". "Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours". "Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you." "Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will allways exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. you have no right to question him."

Quotes taken from a magazine entitled Housekeeping Monthly, issue of  May 13 1955. Article titled "The Good Wife's Guide".

Welcome back to 2010. Women can vote, work, and be educated. Sure, we're still socially and economically penalised if we want to have children AND a career. We're still paid less for doing the same work a man does. We're still called sluts, cunts, and bitches for doing the same things - sleeping around and being ambitious - that men do. We're still raped, assaulted, prostituted, enslaved and murdered every day in our hundreds, nay, thousands, accross the globe.

This is why I do not find 'women belong in the kitchen' jokes even a little bit funny. The mentality that they stem from has three main tenants:

• Women don't 'belong' in the work force
• Women who choose not to have children have something 'wrong' with them
• Women are intellectually, physically and socially inferior to men

These are tenets I do not agree with, and which we as a society should have outgrown by now. The fact that these jokes, and the aforementioned social/economical problems are still kicking around today tells me that this world of ours still has a way to go before achieving equality in any sense. Within 24 hours of Australia's first female Prime Minister being ballotted into office, I saw this on Facebook. "How can Julia Gillard run all of Australia from the kitchen?"

Hello, glass ceiling. Still there? Yeah, I can see that.

My honesty policy

I can't tell you how many times I've heard or read, somewhere, a female saying that she gets along better with men, or has more male friends, or finds it hard to relate to/get along with/get close to other women. In my early teens I was definitely guilty of this, after having been forcibly ejected from my female social group. And for what? Brutal honesty. One of the girls was being a total bitch to everyone else (as insecure twelve-year-olds with ridiculously turbulent homelives are wont to do) and I called her out on it. Three days later my other friends said, "Yeah, you upset her, we're sort of on her side because you were so mean, even though we agreed with you". As a pre-teen, this lack of a social network caused me extreme amounts of anxiety. I didn't want to go to school in the mornings, something perplexing in the extreme to my parents, as I was a fierce academic. I ended up moving schools a few months later.

Girls are creatures of criminal subtlety. We dance around what we think, what we feel, and what we expect. We do it in our relationships with men, both romantic and platonic, and we do it in our relationships with each other, both romantic and platonic. Is it stupid? Yep. Is it a symptom of social conditioning? Yep!

One major problem, I think, is this: girls, women, ladies are expected to be obtuse, over-polite, and to double-talk, which when negative emotions are involved, leads to being snide and implying not-so-nice things. On the other hand, women who take a more 'male' approach, who are blunt, who say what they think and demand such in return, are regarded with suspicion and bemusement. Words like 'bitch', 'butch', and 'dyke' get thrown around a lot. Why do you have to be masculine, or attracted to women, to be able to be honest?! Shame on society for making 'female' and 'honest' oxymorons!

I'm tired of getting tangled in misunderstandings. Especially those of my own creation. White lies are still lies - yes, there is a difference between being honest and saying truthful, yet nasty things. But you can be truthful and still be diplomatic.

I'm taking a dual-action honesty policy: saying what I mean, and calling out other people when it's obvious that they're not. When did we all start needing to be politicians to function socially? All its doing is harming our relationships with others, something that we as humans rely on. We are social creatures, not going into the balances between introved/extroverted personalities. When spending time with our 'friends' is a minefield of cryptic comments, hiding your emotions and holding grudges, I have to say:

 image taken from the super-awesome site I Can Haz Cheezburger.

How-to: be the worst customer ever (retail edition)

 .
In-store
Step 1: Pick a store you want to terrorise, and check it's opening and closing times carefully. Depending on your plans for the rest of the day, there are three optimal times for you to strike - when the store first opens (getting there early and waiting with undisguised impatience outside the door is key), during lunch hour (during a rush when some of the staff members have disappeared for lunch is reccommended) or, my personal favourite, five minutes before closing time.

Step 2: When greeted by a salesperson, you have two choices: ignore them completely, or respond with "just looking". Make sure you don't smile.

Step 3: If products in the store have price tags, you must ask a staff member the price of at least three items. Ask if there is a discount or special on each item.

Step 4: Pick an item they are obviously low on stock of. Ask if they have other colours. Then ask if they have other sizes. Ask if they have any more stock. Ask them how long it will be until more stock arrives. Ask them if they're "sure" they don't have the colour and the size you want. Ask them if they can get it in from another store. If they say yes, tell them you'll think about it.

Step 5: If you look at anything, make sure to talk incessantly to any staff member who has crossed your path. Tell them you're not sure about the size. Tell them you don't really like the colour. Read the price tag (or ask them to repeat it) and wince. Ask them to get you the size up. Ask them to get you the size down. Ask them to get you another colour. Ask them to get you the size up in another colour. Ask them to get you another colour, in the size down.

Step 6: If the staff member has to leave you at any time, scatter as many items around the store as possible, or re-hang/box etc. very badly and stash it under a shelf or behind a display.

At the till
Step 1: Drop your loot on the counter and don't say anything. Wander a meter or so away to 'look' at something else. If someone asks you if you are taking or discarding your items, make a noise somewhere in-between a yes and a no.

Step 2: When you eventually find your way back to the counter, do not make eye conact with the tillperson. If you do, don't smile.

Step 3: When they tell you the total, ask them for a discount. If they say no, ask them if they have a 'new' item, i.e not the one you tried on.

Step 4: Throw your cash/card down on the counter, do not hand it to the tillperson. If it is cash, make sure it has lots of fiddly bits of change that they have to count. If it's a card, do not tell them what account it is on. When they ask what account it is on, pause for at least five seconds (count in your head if necessary). Say "on the card". If they ask if that means credit or savings, pause another three seconds. Take your time entering your pin number, or if you're signing, cut them off when they ask you "pin number or sign".

Step 4: Whist your receipt is being printed, wander away again. Wait until they call you back to the till or someone brings your shopping to you.

Step 5: Do not make eye contact or say thankyou. Storm off to the front of the store, then stop, and spend another 5-10 minutes browsing.

Step 6: If you are really dedicated, you have two options. One is long-term and one is short-term.
Short-term: throw away the receipt, and go back a few days later to return or exchange your item. For bonuss points, wait until they've shut the door and are cashing up for the night, then bang on their closed door and tell them that "it's urgent", and if they tell you they can't process anything because they've turned off the computer, say, "Can't you just swap it for me now and put it through the computer in the morning?"
Long-term: keep the receipt and wait at least a week until outside the return/exchange period. Return with the item and attempt to exchange or return it.

On the phone
Step 1: When someone answers the phone (the usual format is "Hello,[shop name] , this is [salesperson's name]") pause until they say 'hello'?

Step 2: Ask, "who is this?" When they repeat their name, ask "is this [store name]?" When they say yes, ask them which suburb they are in and what they sell.

Step 3: Tell them you're looking for an item, but make it something particularly vague, like "a brown belt" or "a red bag". This is especially reccommended if you are calling a specialty store which stocks 1-5 particular brands.

Step 4: If they ask you to clarify anything (such as the material, size or brand) repeat your initial description.

Step 5: If they make a suggestion, such as "were you looking for a brown leather belt for a man?" say "yes" and then stay silent.

Step 6: When they can't figure out what it is you're looking for (meaning you shot down all of their suggestions) ask to talk to someone else.

HAPPY RETAIL TERRORISING!

Customer Service

Retail. Hospitality. Supermarkets.

Wherever you work, wherever you shop and whatever you shop for, you have to deal with people (if you do have a job that doesn't require you to deal with people, please let me know where to drop off my resume). So eventually you're going to encounter that often terrible, sometimes wonderful creature: CUSTOMER SERVICE *dun dun duuuuun!*

Now, I work in retail. I also shop, both online and offline, for different things. Thus I have encountered both sides of the proverbial fence: experiencing crappy customer service with unhelpful/oblivious staff and having to put up with horrendously rude customers.

Inspired by the day I had at work, here's a list of my Top Five Things Not To Do whilst shopping (employee and customer versions). It's a bit retail-biased, but there are some pretty universal points:

If you are a customer:
1. Don't bring food or drink into the store. Most shops actually have a sign that mentions this - mine does. But you still get people wandering in with the odd ice-cream or coffee. Now it's not that we don't want you eating or drinking in the store - it's when you make a mess that we have to clean up that it gets not-fun. Especially when it's already busy in the store, we're having to clean up after merchandise that customers have left lying around, and when you risk damaging or dirtying merchandise that we then have to explain to the manager. Eating and drinking are for cafes.

2. DON'T ask for a discount or a freebie. I cannot stress this enough. We are lectured by our managers to tell customers about sales and promotions. It's a part of our job to tell you about these things in the hopes that you will buy more things. Most of the workers you encounter in shops are grunts - as in we have no authority and/or influence and we get the short end of the proverbial stick. Asking us for free stuff, or discounts, is just annoying. We feel bad when we have to turn you down, it's irritating because it feels like you think we aren't doing our jobs properly, and when you KEEP asking even though we've made it clear that we actually cannot physically do anything for you... it's just plain rude.

3. Please, be polite and don't walk in on the phone, or with your earphones in/on. Seriously. Whilst I understand that some people are skilled at 'walk-and-talk', and that some shops play craptastic music... C'mon. Let us do our job and at least say hello to you when you walk in!

4. Check store opening and closing times. A pet peeve of mine is when people come into the store 5-10 minutes before closing time TO BROWSE. Yeah, some people work 9-5 and don't have much time to shop. I really don't mind if you have to run in on your way home to make a purchase. But if you're shopping recreationally, DON'T walk in at 5:20pm when we close at 5:30 and meander around aimlessly until some poor employee with the short straw has to tell you they're closing in one minute and please, sir/ma'am just leave so we can clean up, close up and go home!!!!

5. Actually listen to what staff say. Asking me the same question 5 different times, albeit with slightly different wording, will not produce a different answer. I ain't made o' magic, I can't pull stock out of my- anything, ok?

If you are an employee:
1. Smile. I know what it's like to be having a terrible day, to be exhausted or upset, or to just plain not want to be at work. But you're getting paid to be there. At least you could muster enough energy to move a few facial muscles so I don't feel like I somehow offended you by walking into your store.

2. If you don't know, find someone who does, or explain to me why you don't know or aren't sure. Yeah, sometimes managers aren't the most communicative bunch, but I only know what you tell me. Being new is also a good excuse.

3. Make eye contact. If you're busy with another customer, or a task, that's fine. It's polite to acknowledge that there's another person in the room by at least looking at them (again hopefully with a smile. Being glared at is unpleasant).

4. Do be careful when processing sales so that you don't make a mistake and over-charge a customer.

5. Try not to eat and/or drink at the sales counter (most shops, especially in retail, frown on this), and if you absolutely must, be discreet. It's a bit off-putting to see someone chomping away over the till! This includes gum. I might be biased because I think it's gross (I make an exception for bubble gum) but it's just not necessary to be chewing gum 24/7. Save it for after work, please.