How-to: be the worst customer ever (retail edition)

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In-store
Step 1: Pick a store you want to terrorise, and check it's opening and closing times carefully. Depending on your plans for the rest of the day, there are three optimal times for you to strike - when the store first opens (getting there early and waiting with undisguised impatience outside the door is key), during lunch hour (during a rush when some of the staff members have disappeared for lunch is reccommended) or, my personal favourite, five minutes before closing time.

Step 2: When greeted by a salesperson, you have two choices: ignore them completely, or respond with "just looking". Make sure you don't smile.

Step 3: If products in the store have price tags, you must ask a staff member the price of at least three items. Ask if there is a discount or special on each item.

Step 4: Pick an item they are obviously low on stock of. Ask if they have other colours. Then ask if they have other sizes. Ask if they have any more stock. Ask them how long it will be until more stock arrives. Ask them if they're "sure" they don't have the colour and the size you want. Ask them if they can get it in from another store. If they say yes, tell them you'll think about it.

Step 5: If you look at anything, make sure to talk incessantly to any staff member who has crossed your path. Tell them you're not sure about the size. Tell them you don't really like the colour. Read the price tag (or ask them to repeat it) and wince. Ask them to get you the size up. Ask them to get you the size down. Ask them to get you another colour. Ask them to get you the size up in another colour. Ask them to get you another colour, in the size down.

Step 6: If the staff member has to leave you at any time, scatter as many items around the store as possible, or re-hang/box etc. very badly and stash it under a shelf or behind a display.

At the till
Step 1: Drop your loot on the counter and don't say anything. Wander a meter or so away to 'look' at something else. If someone asks you if you are taking or discarding your items, make a noise somewhere in-between a yes and a no.

Step 2: When you eventually find your way back to the counter, do not make eye conact with the tillperson. If you do, don't smile.

Step 3: When they tell you the total, ask them for a discount. If they say no, ask them if they have a 'new' item, i.e not the one you tried on.

Step 4: Throw your cash/card down on the counter, do not hand it to the tillperson. If it is cash, make sure it has lots of fiddly bits of change that they have to count. If it's a card, do not tell them what account it is on. When they ask what account it is on, pause for at least five seconds (count in your head if necessary). Say "on the card". If they ask if that means credit or savings, pause another three seconds. Take your time entering your pin number, or if you're signing, cut them off when they ask you "pin number or sign".

Step 4: Whist your receipt is being printed, wander away again. Wait until they call you back to the till or someone brings your shopping to you.

Step 5: Do not make eye contact or say thankyou. Storm off to the front of the store, then stop, and spend another 5-10 minutes browsing.

Step 6: If you are really dedicated, you have two options. One is long-term and one is short-term.
Short-term: throw away the receipt, and go back a few days later to return or exchange your item. For bonuss points, wait until they've shut the door and are cashing up for the night, then bang on their closed door and tell them that "it's urgent", and if they tell you they can't process anything because they've turned off the computer, say, "Can't you just swap it for me now and put it through the computer in the morning?"
Long-term: keep the receipt and wait at least a week until outside the return/exchange period. Return with the item and attempt to exchange or return it.

On the phone
Step 1: When someone answers the phone (the usual format is "Hello,[shop name] , this is [salesperson's name]") pause until they say 'hello'?

Step 2: Ask, "who is this?" When they repeat their name, ask "is this [store name]?" When they say yes, ask them which suburb they are in and what they sell.

Step 3: Tell them you're looking for an item, but make it something particularly vague, like "a brown belt" or "a red bag". This is especially reccommended if you are calling a specialty store which stocks 1-5 particular brands.

Step 4: If they ask you to clarify anything (such as the material, size or brand) repeat your initial description.

Step 5: If they make a suggestion, such as "were you looking for a brown leather belt for a man?" say "yes" and then stay silent.

Step 6: When they can't figure out what it is you're looking for (meaning you shot down all of their suggestions) ask to talk to someone else.

HAPPY RETAIL TERRORISING!

Baby's first nail-art

Due to the nature of my new job, I knew I needed to keep things somewhat conventional in the nail and make-up department. However, after wearing the gorgeously bright and occasionally UN-conventional selection Mode offers, I couldn't bring myself to do straight nude or red nails (as nice as Racy and Ooh Baby are). So I thought, what better way to be subtly different then to do some nail art, layering Arsonist over Racy?

Only problem with that, besides my complete lack of experience in the nail-art department, was that I do not own anything that you need for that sort of stuff. No Konad, no crystals, no glitter, nothing. So I improvised:

This is canvas tape. It's what artists use on their paintings to make sure they leave enough of a border for a frame. It's like masking tape, except the adhesive is really gentle, so it won't rip off your nail polish. All I did was put on one coat of Racy (red creme) and then, laying the tape diagonally accross my nail, I painted Arsonist (dark red/gold glitter) on the exposed nail. I let it set for a few seconds and then peeled off the tape. Voila!

I really like how this turned out (even though I NEED to put topcoat on my index finger). This tape will be very handy for tips, and I can forsee some stars, polka dots, love-hearts and zig-zags in my future. I may eventually buy a proper Konad or similar, but I think this will keep me entertained for quite a while!

Banana bread!

'Bout bloody time, I know. The first time I sank my teeth into this nummy, and fairly healthy treat was at Sydney airport. Banana bread is tricky - since that first taste, I've tried several different varieties and recipes. This is the best one I've found so far. I think what keeps it moist, rich and sweet is the honey and cinnamon. A few of the other recipes I tried which weren't quite right didn't have honey in them, though a few did have cinammon. I don't cook much, but I am slowly increasing my repotoire of meals and sweets. Included in the method section of the recipe are italicised "kitchen novice tips". These are little things I've picked up along the way which helps make things a bit faster and easier. If you're a ktichen pro you can just skip them :)

This is my grandma's recipe book, which my family have slowly added to over the years:

This is my dreadful handwriting:

And this is the recipe:
Ingredients
100g softened butter
100g soft brown sugar
50ml runny honey
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 tbsp milk
2 large bananas (peeled and mashed)
1/2 tsp cinnamon
225g self-raising flour
2 eggs
1 loaf tin, greased well with butter

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.
Put butter, sugar and honey in a medium-sized bowl. Beat with a fork until light and fluffy. Kitchen novice tip: if you only have one set of kitchen scales, line the container with baking powder. That way you don't have to wash it in betwen ingredients. Microwave the butter and honey for 10 seconds to make it easier to mix. When measuring honey, I always add about 20ml extra to make up for the stuff that just doesn't want to come out.
Lightly beat eggs (with a whisk or fork) in a seperate, smaller bowl. Add the vanilla extract.
Slowly pour the egg mixture into the medium bowl wih the butter and sugar mix. Stir well until combined.
Mash the bananas and then fold them into the mixture. Kitchen novice tip: you can curtail the post-cooking-dish-washing an use the same bowl you beat the eggs in. Over-ripe or bruised bananas are easier to mash.

Right about now, your mixture should look like this: 

Sieve in the flour and the cinnamon. Kitchen novice tip: sift in a little, mix it in, and then sift in a little more. If you dump in the whole lot and attempt to stir it in, it will be very messy!
Add the milk and give it a final stirring. Looks a bit better now, doesn't it!

 
Grab a wad of either baking paper of paper towel. Scoob out a nice gob of butter and smear your baking tin with it.

This will prevent the loaf sticking when it's cooked. You could also use a cake tin, or even muffin trays for this recipe, though I haven't personally tried either. Pour the mix into the loaf tin, using a spatula to get it out of the bowl. Kitchen novice tip: if you don't have a spatula... I'm really sorry. You need one. This is going to be nearly impossible without it!

Ready for the oven! (I sprinkled  a bit of cinnamon on top).

Bake for 50-70 minutes. I always check mine at the 50-minute mark, using the skewer test - insert a wooden skewer in the middle of the loaf. If it comes out clean, your banana bread is ready.

Let it cool for about 10 minutes before you pop it out, or it will get quite crumbly.

This recipe is fairly easy, even though the cooking time is frustratingly long, as the heavenly smell will start to fill your kitchen after about half an hour. BUT, an hour's cooking time means that while you're waiting, there's plenty of time to do the dishes ;) this recipe can be very easily doubled if you're cooking for a lot of  people. It's so yummy my house-hold of three, plus my boyfriend, can demolish one 'serving' in about two days.

Hope you enjoy!
Until next we meet,
Jade.