Letters from a lonely shop assistant

On Friday I had to work 9-7, and be by myself for 9-5. This is how I kept from going completely insane during the ridiculously slow day.

9.10am
Dear bank,
Why can't you open at 9am like every other profit-driven capitalist establishment, hmm?
From,
Dear god I hope I filled out the deposit slip correctly.

9.25am
Dear vacuum cleaner,
I appreciate the fact that your neck is adjustable. Your willingness to pull your cord back in when asked (politely, but firmly) makes me smile.
From,
There's always that one bit of lint, isn't there?

9.26am,
Dear scarf,
Stop being obnoxious.
From,
Too lazy to take off the scarf just to vacuum when I know I'll have to put it on again later because my neck gets cold.

9.51am,
Dear coffee,
I am very sorry I don't have access to a microwave. I'm sure you are too.
From,
Very conscious that the coffee place is breakfast-only and as such, closes at 2.30pm.

10.32am
Dear dust,
You really need to give it up. Glass doesn't feel the same way about you as you do for Glass. I am getting very tired of constantly having to shoo you away with a paper towel.
From,
Industrial glass cleaner makes pretty patterns when you spray it.

10.35am,
Dear counter,
I've never seen anybody wipe you down! Ever! How can you be so clean?!
From,
Cleaning as if I actually like it.

11.13am,
Dear chocolate.
Thanks for being you.
From,
Omnomnom dessert before lunch.

12.46pm,
To the woman who walked in just as I took a bite of my sandwich,
Wow.
From,
This is the lunch rush?!

12.55pm,
Dear 'customers',
When you go shopping, you BUY THINGS. Isn't that the reason you go 'shopping' - to 'shop'? Or have I been getting it completely wrong all this time?
From,
Envious and confused.

1.01pm,
Dear head office,
Somebody please e-mail me! It's only 3 o'clock over there, you should still be working!
From,
Desperately bored, and a little isolated too.

1.16pm,
Dear Melbourne store,
I know I said I was bored, but if you want us to send you something, please just email it through so I can take my time finding it!
From,
There are too many bags in this shop.

1.22pm,
Dear sandwich,
It's not you, it's me. Oh ok fine, it's totally you. Now if you would transform yourself into a plate of piping-hot duck rice, I'd be ecstatic.
From,
Chicken sandwiches are only appropriate for a lazy, so-late-it's-practically-lunchtime Saturday breakfast.

1.25pm,
Dear rain,
Go away.
From,
I didn't bring an umbrella today.

1.29,
Dear irony.
Yeah, I just sold an umbrella. So what?
From,
Stubborn but somewhat glad.

1.43pm,
To the couple standing IN the doorway,
Guys. Seriously. You have the entire street to stand in. Doorways are for WALKING THROUGH.
From,
Inconsiderate people piss me off.

2.01pm,
To the man obsessed with luggage,
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP CONFUSING ME BY ASKING ME TO COMPARE PRODUCTS WE DON'T HAVE IN THE SHOP.
From,
Can I go home now?

2.07pm,
Dear peanut butter and nutella sandwich,
You are so amazing.
From,
Seriously, try it! Especially if you like peanut M&Ms or Reese's anything.

2.19pm
Dear calculator,
What you have told me makes me feel slightly better. As much as I hate to perpetuate the capitalist mindset, selling things is good.
From,
Reluctantly relieved.

2.24pm,
Dear shop music,
You are making my eye twitch.
From,
Only four hours and thirty-six minutes to go...

3.01pm
To the couple who just left,
*Blink.*
From,
What the hell was that?!

3.40pm,
Dear vague old lady on the phone,
I'll laugh about you later.
From,
It's good you know what brand you want, but do you know how many STYLES they do?!

3.58pm,
Dear me,
Well done for timing taking out the rubbish with the exact moment it started raining again!
From,
That was sarcasm, by the way.

4.02pm,
To the last clean cup in the shop,
My precioussssssssss.
Love,
A shameless Nescafe Mocha addict.

4.20pm,
Dear insatiable materialistic lust,
I do NOT need to spend $270 on a belt because I like the buckle!
From,
My common sense and in-built thriftiness.

4.44pm
Dear head office,
Why don't we close at 5.30pm on Fridays?
From,
I wanna go home.

6.28pm,
Dear zzzzzzzzz...
ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzz

Readers and fellow bloggers, tell me your favourite and least favourite thing about where you work - or used to, if you have a funny anecdote to share.

This should definitely be fiction

Here's what happened: it's 7pm, and I'm in the middle of doing stocktake for my old job - my last ever shift. I've been at the fancy new job for a little over two weeks now. Not only is it waaaaaay better pay, but it's a much better atmosphere, and came in good timing, because my old job is closing on the 2nd of July. Myself, the old assistant manager, and one of the other casuals were all able to find new work pretty quickly. My old manager, poor thing, is still looking.

Back to the weirdness: so I'm scanning, pushing stock around, and my mobile phone rings. I pull it out of my pocket and check the screen. It's a number I don't know, so I hit "busy" and figure I'll look into it later. It starts ringing again. I think, "what the hell?" and I pick it up.

"Hello, this is Jade."
"Um, hi. I have your resume here, are you still looking for a casual job?"
(I'm thinking: huh?)
"Er, I actually accepted a position about three weeks ago."
"Oh... what a shame... missed out..."
(Pause)
"Who is this?"
"Oh, it's mumblemumble*."
"... and where are you calling from?"
"Some Random Boutique**."
(I'm thinking: um, er, come on brain, work... ohhh. I dropped my resume off there before I got my new job. That makes it about three and a half weeks ago. Uh-huh)
"Well, I am on uni holidays at the moment, but after July I'll only be available one day a week, between classes and my current job."
"Oh, well, that would actually work for me."
(Pause)
"What days would you be needing someone?"
"Thursdays, or Saturdays."
(Pause)
"Um, do you want me to come in for an interview?"
"Yeah, that'd be good! When are you free?"


Really, is three weeks an acceptable time lapse for a potential employer making first contact with a potential employee? Isn't that a bit, well, rude? And her phone manner was absolutely awful! If she's that bad on the phone, how does she deal with people in person? What about CUSTOMERS? Won't somebody think of the customers?

Sorry, it's late, and it's a proven fact that my wittiness deteriorates when I'm tired.

My thoughts on this mini-mystery:

• My resume got 'lost' in a drawer and was just 'found'.
• They're desperate for staff.
• They got a new staff member, who turned out to be supremely awful (that happened at my old job, twice) and were consequently fobbed off. Now they're sorting through the other resumes.
• The manager was sick and the shop has been in chaos for three weeks whilst they ran on minimal staff (that happened at my old job, except it was that the assistant manager quit and head office didn't manage to find a replacement in the two months notice she gave them, and then manager had to take a week off because her family were visiting from overseas).
• They're really desperate for staff.
• I probably don't want this job, but I probably won't need to turn it down since I know nothing about the labels they carry (Good Stuff? Jane Peacock? Autonomy for guys? Are these ACTUAL brand names? I think some serious Googling is in order here)
• ^ that's exactly what I thought about my last interview, and I got the job, and I'm loving it.
• They're really, REALLY desperate for staff.

Obviously, I'm going in for the interview, which means I'll need to re-print (and update) my resume, iron some respectable-but-not-too-bland clothing, and do some reasearch (who calls a clothing label 'Good Stuff'? I can imagine some hilarious, but confusing conversations coming out of that one, such as, "I love you jacket, what is it?" "Good Stuff!" "...?"). If I do get the job, and it sucks, I figure I'll just ride it out for the remaining month and a half of uni holidays, and then tell them I don't have the time for two jobs during semester. If I like it, I'll figure something out. If I don't get it, problem solvered!

Some actual-proper blog posts all lined up, just thought it was too funny not to share.


* she did say her name, but it was something fairly common like Linda, Caroline or Louise and I can't for the life of me remember. I was a bit distracted at the time!
** not the actual shop name, although that would be funny and kinda cool.