Letters from a lonely shop assistant

On Friday I had to work 9-7, and be by myself for 9-5. This is how I kept from going completely insane during the ridiculously slow day.

9.10am
Dear bank,
Why can't you open at 9am like every other profit-driven capitalist establishment, hmm?
From,
Dear god I hope I filled out the deposit slip correctly.

9.25am
Dear vacuum cleaner,
I appreciate the fact that your neck is adjustable. Your willingness to pull your cord back in when asked (politely, but firmly) makes me smile.
From,
There's always that one bit of lint, isn't there?

9.26am,
Dear scarf,
Stop being obnoxious.
From,
Too lazy to take off the scarf just to vacuum when I know I'll have to put it on again later because my neck gets cold.

9.51am,
Dear coffee,
I am very sorry I don't have access to a microwave. I'm sure you are too.
From,
Very conscious that the coffee place is breakfast-only and as such, closes at 2.30pm.

10.32am
Dear dust,
You really need to give it up. Glass doesn't feel the same way about you as you do for Glass. I am getting very tired of constantly having to shoo you away with a paper towel.
From,
Industrial glass cleaner makes pretty patterns when you spray it.

10.35am,
Dear counter,
I've never seen anybody wipe you down! Ever! How can you be so clean?!
From,
Cleaning as if I actually like it.

11.13am,
Dear chocolate.
Thanks for being you.
From,
Omnomnom dessert before lunch.

12.46pm,
To the woman who walked in just as I took a bite of my sandwich,
Wow.
From,
This is the lunch rush?!

12.55pm,
Dear 'customers',
When you go shopping, you BUY THINGS. Isn't that the reason you go 'shopping' - to 'shop'? Or have I been getting it completely wrong all this time?
From,
Envious and confused.

1.01pm,
Dear head office,
Somebody please e-mail me! It's only 3 o'clock over there, you should still be working!
From,
Desperately bored, and a little isolated too.

1.16pm,
Dear Melbourne store,
I know I said I was bored, but if you want us to send you something, please just email it through so I can take my time finding it!
From,
There are too many bags in this shop.

1.22pm,
Dear sandwich,
It's not you, it's me. Oh ok fine, it's totally you. Now if you would transform yourself into a plate of piping-hot duck rice, I'd be ecstatic.
From,
Chicken sandwiches are only appropriate for a lazy, so-late-it's-practically-lunchtime Saturday breakfast.

1.25pm,
Dear rain,
Go away.
From,
I didn't bring an umbrella today.

1.29,
Dear irony.
Yeah, I just sold an umbrella. So what?
From,
Stubborn but somewhat glad.

1.43pm,
To the couple standing IN the doorway,
Guys. Seriously. You have the entire street to stand in. Doorways are for WALKING THROUGH.
From,
Inconsiderate people piss me off.

2.01pm,
To the man obsessed with luggage,
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP CONFUSING ME BY ASKING ME TO COMPARE PRODUCTS WE DON'T HAVE IN THE SHOP.
From,
Can I go home now?

2.07pm,
Dear peanut butter and nutella sandwich,
You are so amazing.
From,
Seriously, try it! Especially if you like peanut M&Ms or Reese's anything.

2.19pm
Dear calculator,
What you have told me makes me feel slightly better. As much as I hate to perpetuate the capitalist mindset, selling things is good.
From,
Reluctantly relieved.

2.24pm,
Dear shop music,
You are making my eye twitch.
From,
Only four hours and thirty-six minutes to go...

3.01pm
To the couple who just left,
*Blink.*
From,
What the hell was that?!

3.40pm,
Dear vague old lady on the phone,
I'll laugh about you later.
From,
It's good you know what brand you want, but do you know how many STYLES they do?!

3.58pm,
Dear me,
Well done for timing taking out the rubbish with the exact moment it started raining again!
From,
That was sarcasm, by the way.

4.02pm,
To the last clean cup in the shop,
My precioussssssssss.
Love,
A shameless Nescafe Mocha addict.

4.20pm,
Dear insatiable materialistic lust,
I do NOT need to spend $270 on a belt because I like the buckle!
From,
My common sense and in-built thriftiness.

4.44pm
Dear head office,
Why don't we close at 5.30pm on Fridays?
From,
I wanna go home.

6.28pm,
Dear zzzzzzzzz...
ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzz

Readers and fellow bloggers, tell me your favourite and least favourite thing about where you work - or used to, if you have a funny anecdote to share.